Why is it called "the end"

Sometimes when I think that I have come to an end of something, I realize that in fact it has not. Actually, nothing ever ends ...not even life because there is still life after death.

As a semi- newly graduate, i have ended one chapter in my life...but the memories still live on. Reflections of my undergrad leave me feeling a bit nostaligic.

I will never forget my memories as a KDPhi, the late night talks I had with my only room mate of four years, the whole college experience in davis, falling in love and getting my heart broken. All these people/ events have made a big impact in my life and molded me into the person I am today.

I can't keep focused on just one topic...i want to write about A LOT of things...but its hard when there's so much going on in my brain. There was supposed to be a purpose in this entry, but right now I can't find one...and I'm tired.

POST COLLEGE

I just read my last two blog entries..haha!

I didn't write it so that people could feel sorry for me or pity me in any way. This blog was created for my own personal use. A place for me to vent, which I don't seem to do much of on here, and for me to just express myself and my thoughts!

My last two entries were written because, I was finally OVER the situation of us being over! I can talk about it, write about it and let people know about how hurt i was. I'm not always very good with expressing how I feel. I'm really low key about my relationships and my love life...you would know if you know me. Because I am now able to talk about it and allow people to know how vulnerable i was at that point in my life, I know I'm over it. I have a lot of pride and i don't like it when people know i'm vulnerable or weak, but i am only human and talking about it with my friends actually helped me get through my hard times!!

In the past 6 months i've learned a lot about myself and what i want and see certain things in a new persepective! As much as I want to stay young forever, in my time of reflection of myself and what i want to go after, I realized that I've grown a lot! I've become wiser and stronger especially in the love department!

Ciara- I found Myself...i feel as though the song is talking about me

So long
Farewell
Hello, to the new me
The better me

Thats's right
My Life...

21, and I've realized,
Everything you want's not meant to be.
21 then you qualify,
The stand up to reponsibilities.
So I tried to prioritize
By deciding what I know is best for me.

And then there's always, love that tries to trip you up.
You try to catch yourself before you hit the ground.ooh..
But nothings promised.
Friends are there to cheer you up,
To give you strength and build you up when you are down.ooh..
So I set sail in motion

I say
So long, farewell,
My lifes moving forward.
My ship has sailed,
And im so glad it's over.
My heart mends well,
After all that I've been through
I found myself.

22, I hope that I'm,
With someone who truly cares for me.
If im not, I'll be alright,
I'll accept the time i know God has for me.
One day I'll be the perfect wife.
If That's my destiny (yeaah)
And i won't be afraid to try
though theres always....

Love that tries to trip you up
But then someone who sweep you off the ground,ooh..
But nothings promised.
I'm not gonna give it up
Just because the last one let me down.ooh..
So I set sail in motion.

I say
So long, farewell (yeaah)
My ship has sailed,
And im so glad it's over.
My heart mends well,
After all that I've been through
I found myself.

I'm looking out for me,
Taking care of my needs.
Life isn't guaranteed,
It's time to start living.
It wont always be the same,
Can't be afraid of change.
You wanna have your way,
Demand till you're satisfied
You lower your self esteeem,
You gotta live your dream.
I'ts all about confidence,
So let them know that you can stand up.
You never try,
Learn to express you mind.
Sometimes you gotta fight,
I'ts your life so don't you give up.

I say
So long, farewell,
My lifes moving forward.
That, ship has sailed,
And im so glad it's over.
My heart mends well,
After all that i've been through
I found myself......
After all that I've been through
I found myself.........
After all that I've been through
I found myseeeelf

THIS SO IS SOOOO MEE!! and i'm glad that i found myself!

As of right now, I'm taking a break on relationships and trying to have fun on my own. Being tied down for over two years has limited me to certain things, not because he limited me, its just that while i was in a relationship i didn't feel the need or desire to want to go out of my bubble and explore more. I was stable, comfortable and content!

POST COLLEGE LIFE...is kind of boring, but definitely more chill! I feel like i've partied and drank way more in the past 6 months than I ever had in my whole 4 years of college. haha. ok well maybe its not completely true...but I have been consuming a lot more alcohol. Maybe its just my way of dealing with things? Who knows? Maybe its because I am finally single and free...or maybe cuz im back in the city!!

I miss the people and my room mates and being away from home, but still close enough to come back when I want to. Life at home is nice, but it can get kind of lonely...I can't drive over to my pledgesister's place at like 1 or 2 am just to kick it or go out or go to the daym lambda house. I mean I could go out every night in the city if i want...but i dont' wanna only hang out with a group of boys! i need some estrogen.

I miss cooking and eating and watching grey's anatomy with my room mates.
I miss having deep talks with my room mate for hours before we realize we really have to go to sleep.
I miss the hectic "getting ready time" with my kdphis.
I miss hanging out with my kdphis.
I miss having yogurt runs to swirls...which is now called cultive.
I miss being able to look forward to formals.
I miss the chaos of having to find a date to formals LAST minute because I didn't try looking for one earlier.
I miss my big sis peer pressuring me to drink
I miss making trouble with my minilover
I miss the 24...not the studying part but the being delirious and laughing out loud at 3am in that room about god knows what.

Davis has left me with some of my best and worst memories.
The love, hate, heartache....EVERYTHING!!

The people i've met, the experiences i've gone through, the obstacles i've faced...all of these things have helped shaped me to become who i am today! I have a lot of regrets and if i could go back i would do certain things differently but one thing I don't regret is joining kdphi because i've met a lot of wonderful people and it definitely made my college experience an unforgettable one.

I've opened up a lot in the past four years...opened my heart to love, to trust, and to have faith in people and things! It's hard to really get to know me. You've really got to pry and break my shell!

THE BREAK UP!

After we ended things...everything felt so surreal. I was truly devastated by the fact that he was ready to move on. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day…I was thinking ’what the FUCK”…we were still fine 5 days ago. I like surprises, but this was one surprise I wished I hadn’t received. I was speechless, confused, sad, torn and heartbroken.

I had actually suspected the fact that he liked someone else, but for awhile (I don’t know how long) I was in denial of the fact that he could have feelings for anyone but me. I was so sure of my judgment of him and the type of guy he was. Boy was I wrong! I mean I know we wouldn’t last forever, but I really thought that neither of us would move on unless we were separated forreals…like no communication, no interactions and no more booty calls.

It was a Saturday morning when he told me the “news”. Funny thing is, I had to squeeze it out of him. All week, he was acting a little strange already…we still talked and all but my gut feeling was telling me that something wasn’t right. I just kind of brushed it off and thought that maybe it was just one of those bad weeks we were having. Friday came and he told me that he was going out and when I asked who…the name of the girl whom I suspected that he had feelings for came up. I must admit, I was pretty upset when I heard it, but I had to hold my cool and not blow up because at this point I really had no right as to who he can and can not hang out with. I texted him, but he didn’t text back…which was rare. I waited all night for a sign that I was still on his mind and hopefully a text back. But I got nothing. I knew something was wrong…I think it’s a girl’s sixth sense..hhahah. laugh at me all you want. But I believe that females have this sixth sense… gut feeling type of thing when it comes to the lovers in their life. WE KNOW WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG! Haha. That morning, I woke up to a dream about him delivering bad news. It seemed as though everything foreshadowed our final “breakup”. With all that, I was feeling quite uneasy and I needed to know what was going on because at this point my mind was filled with all these suspicions and assumptions. I wanted to call him and have him reassure me that I was the only girl in his life. I called him and it was a short conversation. Then a little bit after he hopped online and I jumped at the opportunity to indirectly ask him about the girl. He’s totally not a dancing kind of guy…he didn’t even like to dance with me when we were together. So he told me he danced with her…ugh I was PISSED. Then I asked if he held anyone’s hand (I was totally asking for it)…and he said yes and that it was “her”…then I was SAD. Then I asked him if he liked her… and he said he’s interested in her and that he might want to pursue her. My eyes quickly filled with tears and it streamed down my face. The answer he gave me was the answer I didn’t want to hear.

I didn't know how to deal with it and for once I couldn't hold my ground. I lost control of myself and my feelings and broke down. For about two weeks, I lived in a world of darkness. I didn’t really say much to people and I wasn’t ready to face reality. I went to school, came home, locked myself in the room and cried or slept all day listening to all the sad songs in the world thinking they all applied to me. I lost my drive of life and I lost appetite. I love food so when I can’t eat…you know there’s something wrong with me. It was difficult, and I really felt like I was at pit bottom. I just couldn’t believe how fast and how easily things fell apart.

I was not well at all and I didn’t know what to do to cure my heart. “Heartbroken” is definitely the right word to use for my case. I felt as though my heart broke into a bazillion pieces. It must be karma, what goes around comes around and now its MY TURN to get my heart broken!

They say “if you love something let it go and if it comes back then that’s how you know that you two are meant to be.” I found all the excuses in the world to give myself hope and that he’d return to me because I wanted to believe that I was the one he truly loved. As pathetic as I may sound, I was willing to do almost anything to get him back. Nothing worked! I was somehow blinded and even thought to myself that he was the only one for me. HAHAHA. Silly me! I forgot why we first broke up in the first place and how unhappy I was with him. I wanted him back because he was gone. Like the saying goes, “You always want what you can’t have.” Maybe that is why I fought so hard to win us back. I don’t even know anymore…

I might have appeared to look and seem fine to others, but everything was just killing me inside. I had to fool the world and act like I was fine, when I wasn’t. I had to give off fake smiles, engage in conversations I didn’t care for, eat when I had no appetite, hold back my tears when it wanted to spill out and go to school when I wanted to stay home all day. I didn’t want to interact with people or do anything. It was a pretty shitty first two weeks of post break up…

the trouble with first loves...

THEY BREAK YOUR HEARTS!!

About four months ago, I got out of a 2 year long relationship. I’m pretty low key about my love life, and I’m sure some weren’t even aware that I was even in a relationship. As some may know, we made it clear to the public that our relationship came to an end last summer. With some time apart from each other (which included me dating another guy), after a few months we ended up together again. Our reconciliation was not made public due to the fact that I try to keep my love life private. It was also because of my pride. I’m not a person who likes to go back on their words and I like to mean what I say…so when we ended things last summer I really thought that was it…NO MORE!! But I found myself back in the black hole again. I was embarrassed and somewhat ashamed of myself for not following through with my decisions and running back to someone who didn’t make me all that happy. I’m not saying we weren’t happy together, we had some good moments…but a majority of the time if we weren’t fighting I was upset. We both came to the realization that we were definitely incompatible, but we still stuck it through. Why did we stay together if we drove each other crazy and made each other miserable? Maybe it was because we needed each other physically or maybe because we were comfortable with each other or maybe it was because we truly loved each other. Prior to our breakup last summer, there have been a few times where I just wanted to give up and throw in the towel, but each time I did, he would pull me back and convince me to stay and try to work it out. Silly me, I don’t know what I was thinking to believe him in that he could change for me.

Anyways, the second time around things just weren’t the same between us. Too many problems remain unresolved and we were truly incompatible. I’m not gonna go into the details of our problems…but they were big enough to make us unhappy and cause us to fight and be unhappy with each other. Sometimes we just have to realize what’s broken is broken and no matter how hard you try to piece it back together, it won’t be the same as it was before. We were both blinded and kept on running back to each other.

And no matter how many times I reassured myself as well as him that we were nothing, I let myself grow attached to him again. I realized that I have no one to blame but myself, because I let him hurt me by letting him come back into my life. Why couldn’t I just be strong enough and leave? Amongst my friends, I’m considered a really strong person…not physically but emotionally…I don’t usually let a guy get to me this much…but this time it was different possibly because he was my first true love.

Right when I thought things were falling into place and things were going well again. Life just had to shit on me and my heart broke once again…

the day he told me that he was ready to pursue another girl was the day our relationship had officially OFFICIALLY ended.

age aint nothing but a number....right?

I personally do not think that there is anything wrong with dating someone who is 10 years older, not that I have someone of that age in mind...but i know its weird and it might not even be acceptable for some people.

I agree that with relationships, age aint nothing but a number. I have friends who are dating people anywhere from 4-10 years apart and still i think its ok because, really, love has no limits on age...

BUT DAMN

there should be some kind of rule where dating anyone who is old enough to be your parent should NOT BE ALLOWED.