After we ended things...everything felt so surreal. I was truly devastated by the fact that he was ready to move on. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day…I was thinking ’what the FUCK”…we were still fine 5 days ago. I like surprises, but this was one surprise I wished I hadn’t received. I was speechless, confused, sad, torn and heartbroken.
I had actually suspected the fact that he liked someone else, but for awhile (I don’t know how long) I was in denial of the fact that he could have feelings for anyone but me. I was so sure of my judgment of him and the type of guy he was. Boy was I wrong! I mean I know we wouldn’t last forever, but I really thought that neither of us would move on unless we were separated forreals…like no communication, no interactions and no more booty calls.
It was a Saturday morning when he told me the “news”. Funny thing is, I had to squeeze it out of him. All week, he was acting a little strange already…we still talked and all but my gut feeling was telling me that something wasn’t right. I just kind of brushed it off and thought that maybe it was just one of those bad weeks we were having. Friday came and he told me that he was going out and when I asked who…the name of the girl whom I suspected that he had feelings for came up. I must admit, I was pretty upset when I heard it, but I had to hold my cool and not blow up because at this point I really had no right as to who he can and can not hang out with. I texted him, but he didn’t text back…which was rare. I waited all night for a sign that I was still on his mind and hopefully a text back. But I got nothing. I knew something was wrong…I think it’s a girl’s sixth sense..hhahah. laugh at me all you want. But I believe that females have this sixth sense… gut feeling type of thing when it comes to the lovers in their life. WE KNOW WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG! Haha. That morning, I woke up to a dream about him delivering bad news. It seemed as though everything foreshadowed our final “breakup”. With all that, I was feeling quite uneasy and I needed to know what was going on because at this point my mind was filled with all these suspicions and assumptions. I wanted to call him and have him reassure me that I was the only girl in his life. I called him and it was a short conversation. Then a little bit after he hopped online and I jumped at the opportunity to indirectly ask him about the girl. He’s totally not a dancing kind of guy…he didn’t even like to dance with me when we were together. So he told me he danced with her…ugh I was PISSED. Then I asked if he held anyone’s hand (I was totally asking for it)…and he said yes and that it was “her”…then I was SAD. Then I asked him if he liked her… and he said he’s interested in her and that he might want to pursue her. My eyes quickly filled with tears and it streamed down my face. The answer he gave me was the answer I didn’t want to hear.
I didn't know how to deal with it and for once I couldn't hold my ground. I lost control of myself and my feelings and broke down. For about two weeks, I lived in a world of darkness. I didn’t really say much to people and I wasn’t ready to face reality. I went to school, came home, locked myself in the room and cried or slept all day listening to all the sad songs in the world thinking they all applied to me. I lost my drive of life and I lost appetite. I love food so when I can’t eat…you know there’s something wrong with me. It was difficult, and I really felt like I was at pit bottom. I just couldn’t believe how fast and how easily things fell apart.
I was not well at all and I didn’t know what to do to cure my heart. “Heartbroken” is definitely the right word to use for my case. I felt as though my heart broke into a bazillion pieces. It must be karma, what goes around comes around and now its MY TURN to get my heart broken!
They say “if you love something let it go and if it comes back then that’s how you know that you two are meant to be.” I found all the excuses in the world to give myself hope and that he’d return to me because I wanted to believe that I was the one he truly loved. As pathetic as I may sound, I was willing to do almost anything to get him back. Nothing worked! I was somehow blinded and even thought to myself that he was the only one for me. HAHAHA. Silly me! I forgot why we first broke up in the first place and how unhappy I was with him. I wanted him back because he was gone. Like the saying goes, “You always want what you can’t have.” Maybe that is why I fought so hard to win us back. I don’t even know anymore…
I might have appeared to look and seem fine to others, but everything was just killing me inside. I had to fool the world and act like I was fine, when I wasn’t. I had to give off fake smiles, engage in conversations I didn’t care for, eat when I had no appetite, hold back my tears when it wanted to spill out and go to school when I wanted to stay home all day. I didn’t want to interact with people or do anything. It was a pretty shitty first two weeks of post break up…
